Introduction

The Counselling Matters request for articles on masculinity and working with men came at a time when I am seeking to find a new approach for my counselling work. Since completing my counselling training in 2009, I have heard and read countless times that it is helpful to have a niche in a broad field such as counselling. However, I had never really felt a strong affinity for any specific aspect of human experience, such that I would spend a lot of time, and of course money, on further training. I often tell my clients that I am curious about people and their lives, and that this is a key part of my work. This curiosity has yet to lead me to explore an aspect of human behaviour to great depth.

Upon reflection, however, I came to see that a lot of my professional experience inside and outside of the counselling room, had seen me working much of the time with men. This experience included working in a category A men's prison, and in courts and police stations with people, usually men, who had been accused of criminal behaviour linked to drugs and alcohol. I enjoy working with men as I find this type of work both rewarding and I believe that it is much needed.

In addition to the above, I read in the NCPS members's survey that some 80% of counselling was provided by women, which again made me think about men and counselling work. The BACP's Public Perceptions Survey found that 47% of men think there’s a stigma attached to counselling, but only 38% of women feel that way. The survey also discovered that 29% of men have sought the help of a therapist compared to 41% of women. This is important because I think that more men being in counselling would have an overall benefit to the society and future generations. The figures suggest that there is still a gap to be addressed when it comes to what men understand about the process of therapy. It is my experience that men clearly need counselling, bearing in mind how I have observed patterns of addiction to substances, porn and gambling in the counselling room.

General Thoughts on Masculinity and Male Socialisation

I find it difficult to put a finger on what I would consider to be masculinity. This reflection makes sense if you consider masculinity to be a social construct, much like many things that we take for granted in society today. As a society, we are free to challenge social constructs, or even discard them altogether, if they are found to have no value. Learning about trans rights and the trans experience, and working with non-binary clients as a counsellor, has led me to believe that gender is a construct, much like masculinity.

However, my own personal belief in the concept of masculinity does not mean that there are no issues with what is perceived to be masculine behaviour. Just because I personally don't ascribe to the norms of masculine socialisation, it doesn't mean that my male-presenting clients don't suffer from carrying the weight of what society considers to be the roles of men.

Counselling and Masculinity

In the counselling room, I have found that men tend to be more prone to intellectualisation. I observe this with male clients who use reasoning and logic to avoid confronting uncomfortable emotions. I work to help my clients to understand this behaviour as a kind of defense mechanism, which prevents them from getting closer to difficult emotions. Feelings are put in second place, behind the process of working out the 'why?' of a situation. I have found that this can be a particular challenge when working with men who not neurotypical.

When it comes to the male approach to relationships, I sometimes encounter an adversarial approach to conflict, which can increase tensions and lead to further stress. In these instances I use the analogy of the courtroom, where facts are established, and there will usually be a winner and a loser. Instead of this strategy, I recommend negotiation, and encourage an attitude that will more likely lead to a solution that benefits both parties, with the understanding that compromise will be a part of that.

I often tell clients that counselling doesn't need to be about a crisis, it can be about taking stock of life and assessing. I think that men are socialised to not talk about their feelings, and so one thing that could be done is to remove the stigma that counselling is only for people with 'real problems'. Counselling can instead be a consistent relationship that's based on trust and listening.

Parenting and Masculinity

Outside of the counselling room, as a parent of a boy, I work to challenge masculine socialisation. That idea for me includes challenging sexist attitudes. It is very difficult to bring up a boy without exposing him to sexist attitudes even if as a parent you are against them. This is due to societal norms and social media making it impossible to escape it, so it needs to be challenged.

Other aspects of masculine socialisation include challenging feeling as though you have to know the answer all the time, and on the more positive side, being ready to express both support and affection for the people in your life.

Social Breakdown and Masculinity

One aspect of the lives of men that I have witnessed in family and in the counselling room is the atomisation of our society. Sometimes the men whom I talk to have no friends upon whom they can rely.

I think that the internet can be particularly problematic as men can come to rely through social media upon parasocial relationships instead of 'real life'. There is also the potential for radicalisation as they spend less time coming into contact with other people who will challenge extreme attitudes and ideas. A clear example of this is the rise of the incel and blackpill thinking, which resides in the murk of the manosphere. It is not surprising that paper-thin frauds such as the Tate brothers thrive in our online attention economy, as they generate outrage for clicks through age-old multilevel marketing techniques. Close inspection of their basic ideas of what it means to be a man shows them to be insecure, insincere and in all likelihood, sad and lonely to boot.

Summary

While I believe that masculinity is a difficult thing to accurately define, I work hard in both my professional and private life to address its impacts. My hope is that my efforts result in some small reduction in the distress that unhelpful gender expectations generate in the world, and that we are all working towards a future that allows people to live lives free of those expectations.